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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

GUILTY!

Good morning! I will have to say that yesterday was a fairly good day up until somewhere around 5 p.m.
I made my call to my doctor's office about moving up the test where I swallow this camera in a pill, but was told that they couldn't do that yet. I was told it would depend on what the pathology report came back with.
I'm okay with that though. I will go Friday afternoon to get the results from that, then move forward from there.
I'm feeling really bad for my husband right now, though. When he came home from work, I was on the phone with my mom. Things are not going well health wise for her, or my step-dad. My mother has been through a lot in her life. She is a fighter, and a survivor. She is actually a cancer survivor, which is only one of many things she has dealt with in her life, so for her to vocalize to me that she is scared of what's going on with her and my step-dad gives me a reason to be a bit anxious. After I ended my phone call with her I summarized everything with my husband, and you could tell he was clearly shook up by what I was telling him. I already know that he has a deep seated fear of what my pathology report is going to show. A year and one-half ago his mother passed from a gastric carcinoma (i.e. stomach cancer). He has not voiced this to me, but I see it in his face, and he called me from work a couple of times yesterday to "see how I was doing." This information on my parents just stressed him out even more. Shortly after I told him the information on the parents, his sister called to give us the results of her MRI. She was in an auto accident a short time back and has been having severe neck pain. Her results showed a bulging disc, a herniated disc, some stenosis (narrowing) around the spinal column and a cyst near her brain. I think this was the final straw to put him over the edge.
My husband is an extremely strong man. He feels it is his duty to be that way, and that he has to be the strong one in his family. In the past seven years he has lost both of his brothers and his mother, and he had lost his father one year before I met him. That leaves him as the oldest in his family, and the only male. Normally I am a very strong and independant woman, but I admit I have been allowing myself to be weak and lean on him the past few weeks. I've become more emotional than I have ever been, being prone to tears, which is so not me. My mom says that this is just my body responding to being in constant pain. But, I am feeling guilty for burdening him with my health issues.
I wonder.....am I the only one with Crohn's who feels guilty about the burden they put on their family?  I mean it sometimes means that I don't want to cook them a meal, because the smell of the food makes me want to throw up. It means at the last minute saying that I can't do something or go somewhere because I'm having an affair with the toilet. I am feeling guilty because I have been so sick over the past few months. I know he understands when I have to say that I just can't go somewhere or do something, but I hate that he feels he has to cancel too. I know that it is hard for those who know nothing about Crohn's and who do not live with someone with Crohn's to understand that just because I was fine that morning, does not mean that I am fine that afternoon or evening. I know because there is no visible sign on the outside that they have a hard time understanding that there is complete havoc going on in my insides.
Guilt....it's an ugly thing, and I know I should not be feeling it. I turned down watching two of my grandchildren today because of this dang disease. I would love to spend time with them, but I am no good at watching a three year old and a newborn if I am running to the bathroom.
So, here's my point. If you have a family member with Crohn's, or a friend with it, try to be understanding. Try to realize that they may not voice their feelings, but that they probably feel guilty for having to bale out on you, again. Don't make remarks that make them feel worse than they already do, and please don't say "I understand", because you don't! If you want to say, "not a problem, we'll do something when you are feeling a little better", or even change "your" agenda and just come over and hang out with them so they don't feel like an outcast then do that. Just try your hardest not to make them feel guilty.
Until next time.....
Remember to LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE!
C